My mentor shamed me.

I get it, we all have shadow, we truly do, and she did begin her message with it was hard for me to share this with you. It was about a picture I had decided to use. Now allow me to explain myself a little, because to be frank in this very moment I feel ashamed, and ostracized in some way, yet my brain is still stuck in “ But WHAT DID I TRULY DO WRONG?” so my own naivety got away from me, even at 32 years old, or young I should say. I had a launch about my new brand that allows me to embody more of myself, all of me, my dark more specifically! Because my earlier brand was full of love and light and no room for dark, needless to say, I suffered much in my own dark and made it 1000 times harder trying to show up so love and light and wellness. I just want to be real, and my real has an edge to it. I get it, we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I tried that with my first brand and again it tore me apart.

I truly felt that this old brand, the one everyone, including this Mentor knows me by, was suffocating the real me and allowing demons to grow that were showing up in other ways in my life. Allow me to share my own spilled tea, solely for the purpose of sharing so YOU don’t need to bother going through such heart wrench either. When I began to reflect on the journey of 9 years of myself and this brand that I literally outgrew. I needed that brand identity to support my own rising, my own empowerment, ironically enough, it ended up suffocating me in experiences that were outside of my brand however I couldn’t help but recognize a pattern of shadow. This shadow just wasn’t allowing me to rise anymore and I felt it intuitively was time to allow everything to just ‘die’. That was what was happening naturally already. So I surrendered to this notion and in meditation I seen my new brand, like it was given to me and birthed The Higher Oracle. Empowered, this name suits me and my experiences in many ways. And under every reason I could relay to you, the biggest one is it feels right, intuitively and within my body. Like I have provided myself an opportunity to expand and include all my values, my principles and embody my own identity even deeper.

It’s no secret that I’m a typical latina with a big booty and a small waist, or I have long long hair, thick legs, tanned skin, big lips and light coloured eyes.... This is how I was born. I have yet to inject myself, or enhance myself aesthetically, as I’m really trying to savor my own natural aging process, and I do care a lot about my body because she’s given me many scares to learn to take the best care of her. So excuse me that I have curves, I love to eat, and I love to move my body. I also love art and colour and have many tattoos in taboo places, which I know when they peak through my clothes may seem alluring, however to me is just beautiful, and I am comfortable with it, I am happy. I’ve actually been made to feel very ashamed of my beauty, and have purposely down played myself and my looks, fell into self destructive patterns over being deemed as beautiful, or experiencing unwanted experiences because I'm just too beautiful. In this world truly being beautiful is absolutely traumatizing, I always seem to get the guy every girl wants, yet he turns out to be a womanizer. I have played conservative, yet have recognized this very sensual and playful, basically flirtatious side to myself that I enjoy personally. .... Not being able to fully express that in fear I’ll attract this again is a wound I’ve come back to plenty.in my experience. Where there is trauma there is opportunity to transcend I always say. I becoming aware of my own dark patterns and choices decided to try something new because clearly doing what I do do and have done, doesn’t work. So I am going to acknowledge all parts of my being, even the ones others may not like, and I’m okay with that. I’m happy with me, and I do believe everyone should be too. Not everyone is made to empower others also, so do as you please with your happiness, however I like to share the goodness. Empowering and enabling have also been a dance I’ve learnt early, and this is why values and principles are important! The act as enforcer boundaries!

So, let’s fast forward again to this fateful day I decided to post an unusually provocative photo with my new brand launch. I mean yes who doesn’t know sex sells! I wasn’t naïve to that, I just didn’t want to pay no mind to a misogynistic notion. I truly didn’t think this photo which shows no boob, no bum, yes skin, fit within the construct and yelled empowered femme to myself, especially since most my audience are females, was a good fit. I was however naïve to the fact that I was sharing what I thought was a more empowered side of myself, completely not thinking of what another woman, colleague or let alone my own mentor would think, I was naïve that it would trigger other females who don’t want to protrude the sex sells image anymore, I get it sisters, we’re tired of that shit! I am just now left puzzled wondering, where is the line? When truly, in my own heart and soul thought this was a perfect photo. It was apart of a $400 photoshoot for my brand that I did in the fall prior, again this mentor even questioned the validity of whether or not they were taken professionally which was also a blow to our trust, not so much her initial concern... Needless to say I felt like trash and still feel like taking it down... Yet I think how could I be bullied into shaming my own self when I originally felt so confident sharing. Not saying my mentor bullied me, not at all she was simply sharing hers and another practitioner's thoughts of how we sell ourselves as practitioners. Again it is my own internal dialogue that took that and ran within shame.... I see it, I see her, and I’m going to nurture this shadow by allowing my picture to stay up, and tell myself it’s okay. It’s okay to feel judged, it’s not okay to feel shame, it’s okay to feel misunderstood, it’s not okay to tell myself I’m an idiot, it’s okay to feel confused, it’s not okay to withdrawal. I do forgive this mentor and send love to her. I do value and love her dearly like a sister, I know she didn’t want to trigger me either.

One thing I have learnt when it comes to shadow, the things I judge about another are always repressed shadow I’m holding within myself. So I choose to tread lightly before I come to another with a load I need to get off my chest about what they’re doing. I am human too and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t done what she did, (go out of her way to speak her truth) communication is truly important to healthy growing connections! I have become aware of the ego trap that sharing your unsolicited truth does ensue though, something my own ego can’t get over that she, as my mentor would not be aware of also. A battle of the ego’s is what ends up happening. Which is exactly why I am even writing about it and sharing in the first place because my ego was hurt, and the healer in me wants others to not hurt like this, nor want those who are in a position of mentorship hurt those that look up to them over unrecognized shadow.

Again to come back to it, I did try to explain that yesterday was a new moon in Leo with sensual black moon in Lilith placements, I thought it was fitting with the astrological energies present for me to share a photo that I paid for, for my brand anyways! Who would have thought this would cause me a moment of 2 hours of feeling and introspection... I love the healing process and life itself! Always such a magical mysterious place full of choices, will and the power to create the life you choose!